Infertility is one of life’s most profound emotional challenges. What you’re feeling is real, valid, and normal.
Understanding Your Feelings
You Are Not Alone
Infertility is isolating, but you’re not alone:
- 1 in 6 couples experience infertility
- Millions worldwide going through same feelings
- Hidden struggle (most don’t talk about it openly)
- You’re surrounded by others who understand
The silence makes it lonelier than it needs to be.
This Is Grief
Infertility is loss:
- Loss of control over your body
- Loss of the “easy” path to parenthood
- Loss of the timeline you imagined
- Loss of spontaneity and privacy
- Loss of innocence about pregnancy
- Loss of genetic connection (sometimes)
- Loss of the experience others have
Grief is the appropriate response to these losses.
You’re not overreacting. This is genuinely hard.
Common Feelings (All Normal)
Sadness and Depression
Deep persistent sadness:
- Overwhelming at times
- Especially around pregnancy announcements, baby showers, period arrival
- Crying unexpectedly
- Loss of joy in things you used to love
Why it happens:
- Repeated disappointment
- Loss of dreams
- Uncertainty
- Isolation
- Medical trauma
This is normal grief, not weakness.
When sadness becomes depression:
- Persistent (most days for weeks)
- Loss of interest in everything
- Sleep changes (too much or too little)
- Appetite changes
- Difficulty functioning
- Hopelessness
- Thoughts of self-harm
If experiencing depression, seek professional help – it’s treatable.
Anger
Rage at the unfairness:
- Why us?
- Why do people who don’t want babies get pregnant easily?
- Why do I have to go through this?
- Anger at your body for “failing”
- Anger at doctors
- Anger at God or universe
- Anger at fertile people
- Anger at partner (sometimes)
Anger is a stage of grief.
It’s protective – easier to feel than pain underneath.
Acknowledge it. It’s valid. You’re allowed to be angry at injustice.
Don’t let it consume you – find healthy outlets.
Jealousy and Envy
Painful feelings around others’ pregnancies:
- Can’t be happy for pregnant friends
- Avoid baby showers
- Resent pregnancy announcements
- Compare your struggle to their ease
- Feel like bad person for these feelings
This is normal.
You can love someone and still feel envious of what they have.
Your feelings don’t make you bad – they make you human.
It’s okay to protect yourself:
- Skip events that are too painful
- Unfollow pregnant people on social media temporarily
- Set boundaries
- Your healing comes first
Anxiety and Fear
Constant worry:
- Will treatment work?
- Can we afford another cycle?
- What if it never happens?
- What if I miscarry?
- What if there’s something seriously wrong?
- Time running out
Infertility strips away assumptions:
- You learned pregnancy isn’t guaranteed
- No certainty
- No control
- Fear becomes constant companion
Anxiety is your mind trying to protect you from more disappointment.
When anxiety is overwhelming:
- Physical symptoms (racing heart, can’t breathe, panic)
- Can’t turn off worry
- Interfering with daily life
- Sleep disrupted
Anxiety is treatable – therapy, sometimes medication, coping strategies.
Guilt and Shame
Blaming yourself:
- “If I had tried earlier…”
- “If I hadn’t had that abortion/waited so long/focused on career…”
- “My body is broken”
- “I’m letting my partner down”
- “There must be something wrong with me”
Shame:
- Feeling defective
- Embarrassment about infertility
- Not wanting others to know
- Feeling less than women who conceive easily
Let go of this:
- Infertility is not your fault
- You made reasonable choices with information you had
- Your body is not broken – it has a medical condition
- You are not less than anyone
- Fertility does not determine your worth
Shame thrives in silence. Talking about it helps.
Loss of Identity
Who am I if not a mother?
- Identity shaken
- Life plan disrupted
- Purpose questioned
- “Everyone else is moving forward, I’m stuck”
Infertility hijacks your identity:
- You become “the infertile one”
- Life revolves around treatment
- Can’t plan future
- Loss of who you thought you’d be
You are more than your fertility.
Reconnect with other parts of yourself – hobbies, career, relationships, passions.
Hopelessness
“This will never happen”:
- After repeated failures
- Losing faith
- Can’t imagine positive outcome
- Want to give up
Hopelessness is depression’s voice.
Statistics are probabilities, not destinies:
- Each cycle is new chance
- Many succeed after multiple failures
- New options exist
- You don’t know how your story ends yet
If feeling hopeless, reach out – don’t suffer alone.
The Roller Coaster Pattern
The Cycle of Hope and Despair
Every treatment cycle:
Cycle Day 1 (period):
- Devastation if hoped for pregnancy
- Brief grief
- Then: “Okay, let’s try again”
Stimulation/two-week wait:
- Building hope
- “Maybe this is the one”
- Symptom spotting
- Cautious optimism
Pregnancy test day:
- Peak anxiety
- Hope and terror
- Life-changing moment
If negative:
- Crushing disappointment
- Back to Day 1
- Repeat
This roller coaster is exhausting.
Each cycle takes emotional toll, even when you know the pattern.
Emotional Fatigue
After multiple cycles:
- Harder to feel hopeful
- Harder to bounce back
- Emotional reserves depleted
- “I can’t do this anymore”
This is cumulative trauma.
You need breaks to recover emotionally.
It’s okay to pause treatment for mental health.
Special Emotional Challenges
Pregnancy Announcements
Trigger for intense feelings:
- Happy for them, sad for you
- Can’t be around pregnant people
- Social media torture
- Everyone seems pregnant
Protect yourself:
- Unfollow/mute temporarily
- Ask close friends to tell you gently (not big announcement)
- Skip baby showers if too hard
- Leave events early if needed
Your feelings don’t diminish their joy – they can both exist.
Family Pressure
“When are you having kids?”
- Well-meaning questions hurt
- Family expectations
- Cultural pressure
- Unsolicited advice
- “Just relax”
- “Have you tried…?”
Set boundaries:
- “We’re working on it, please don’t ask”
- “This topic is off-limits”
- Partner can run interference
- Limit time with difficult family
Relationship Strain
Infertility tests relationships:
- Different coping styles
- One wants to keep trying, other wants to stop
- Sex becomes clinical
- Financial stress
- Blame
- Grief experienced differently
Communication is critical.
Work Challenges
Juggling treatment and career:
- Frequent appointments
- No privacy
- Missing work
- Can’t fully commit (uncertainty)
- Colleagues’ pregnancies
Consider:
- What to disclose (if anything)
- Flexible schedule
- Working from home
- Your rights
Social Isolation
Withdrawing from others:
- Avoid events with kids
- Can’t relate to friends anymore
- Don’t want to explain
- Feel different
- Lonely but can’t connect
Connection is healing, even when hard.
Find your people – others going through infertility understand in ways fertile people can’t.
Grief and Loss
Miscarriage After Fertility Treatment
Especially devastating:
- Worked so hard to get pregnant
- Hope was so high
- Medications, procedures, money, time
- Dreams shattered
- Have to start over
Miscarriage is loss, regardless of how early.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Losses No One Sees
Invisible losses:
- Each failed cycle
- Loss of “normal” conception
- Loss of timeline
- Loss of genetic connection (with donor gametes)
- Loss of pregnancy experience (surrogacy)
- Loss of the family you envisioned
These losses are real even if others don’t acknowledge them.
Complicated Grief
If grief is:
- Interfering with daily life
- Not improving over time
- Accompanied by trauma symptoms
- Preventing you from moving forward
Grief counseling helps.
When Feelings Become Overwhelming
Warning Signs
Seek professional help if:
- Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
- Unable to function daily
- Panic attacks
- Severe depression
- Substance use to cope
- Relationship in crisis
- Trauma symptoms (flashbacks, hypervigilance, nightmares)
This is beyond normal grief – needs professional support.
Types of Professional Help
Therapist/counselor:
- Specializing in infertility ideal
- Validates your experience
- Teaches coping strategies
- Safe space to express all feelings
Support groups:
- Others who truly understand
- Feel less alone
- Share experiences and advice
- Online or in-person
Psychiatrist:
- If medication might help (antidepressants, anti-anxiety)
- Can prescribe while trying to conceive
- Many safe options
Couples counseling:
- If relationship strained
- Learn to communicate
- Navigate decisions together
- Strengthen bond
Crisis resources:
- Suicide hotline: 988 (US)
- Crisis text line
- Emergency room
Don’t wait until crisis – early intervention helps.
Cultural and Religious Considerations
Faith Challenges
Infertility tests faith:
- “Why is God doing this?”
- Prayers unanswered
- Watching others’ prayers answered
- Religious community insensitive
- Treatment conflicts with beliefs
Some find faith helps:
- Sense of purpose
- Prayer comforting
- Faith community support
Others lose faith:
- Can’t reconcile suffering
- Feel abandoned
Both responses are valid.
Cultural Expectations
Some cultures:
- Emphasis on children/family line
- Blame woman
- Social stigma
- Pressure to use certain treatments or avoid others
- Lack of privacy
Navigate carefully:
- Honor your values
- Set boundaries
- Find culturally-sensitive support
Self-Compassion
Be Gentle With Yourself
You’re doing the best you can:
- This is genuinely hard
- No “right” way to feel
- All your feelings are valid
- You don’t have to be strong all the time
Things you don’t have to do:
- Stay positive
- Be grateful (right now)
- Attend events that hurt
- Explain yourself to others
- Have it all together
Permission slips:
- Cry when you need to
- Feel angry
- Take breaks
- Say no
- Ask for help
- Not be okay
Talk to Yourself Kindly
Instead of: “I’m broken” “I’m failing” “I should be over this” “Everyone else can do this”
Try: “My body has a medical condition” “I’m doing everything I can” “Grief has no timeline” “I’m not alone in this struggle”
Words matter – especially the ones you tell yourself.
Finding Meaning
Growth Through Struggle
Not “silver lining” or “everything happens for a reason” – those are dismissive.
But many people find:
- Strength they didn’t know they had
- Deeper relationships (with those who showed up)
- Clarity about what matters
- Compassion for others’ struggles
- Resilience
- Appreciation for eventual parenthood
Doesn’t make it worth it or mean it “had to” happen.
But sometimes we grow through things we wouldn’t have chosen.
Redefining Success
If you stay focused only on pregnancy:
- Everything is failure until then
- Can’t see progress
- Misses smaller victories
Celebrate:
- Getting through cycle
- Advocating for yourself
- Taking care of mental health
- Showing up despite fear
- Supporting partner
- Not giving up
These are successes too.
Remember
What you’re feeling is completely normal.
Infertility is trauma. Your reactions are trauma responses.
You’re not weak, broken, or overreacting.
Grief and joy can coexist.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Healing is not linear.
You don’t have to do this alone.
Reach out. Let people support you.
This chapter does not define your whole story.
You are more than your fertility.
You will survive this, even when it doesn’t feel like it.