Hope is essential, but it needs to be balanced with realism. Here’s how to protect your hope while surviving disappointment.
The Hope Paradox
Why Hope Is Important
Hope sustains you:
- Motivates you to continue
- Gets you through hard days
- Allows you to envision positive future
- Necessary for taking action
- Protects against despair
Without hope, can’t continue treatment.
Why Hope Is Dangerous
Hope makes disappointment more painful:
- Higher you climb, harder you fall
- Each negative pregnancy test crushes
- Repeated hope and disappointment is traumatic
- Eventually becomes harder to hope
The paradox: You need hope to try, but hoping makes failure hurt more.
Balancing Hope and Realism
Informed Optimism
Know your statistics BUT don’t let them define you:
Statistics are probabilities:
- 40% success rate means 40% succeed, 60% don’t
- But YOU are either 100% or 0% – you’re not 40% pregnant
- Statistics describe populations, not individuals
- You could be in the success group
Understand your specific chances:
- Age matters enormously
- Diagnosis matters
- Number of eggs/embryos matters
- Previous cycles inform expectations
But remember:
- Someone has to be the success story
- Unlikely things happen every day
- You don’t know which group you’re in yet
Cautious Hope
Protecting yourself from disappointment:
- “I hope this works, but I’ll be okay if it doesn’t”
- “I’m doing everything I can”
- “Whatever happens, I’ll handle it”
- One cycle at a time
- Hope for best, prepare for worst
Not pessimism – protective realism.
Hope Without Attachment
Buddhist concept – hold loosely:
- Hope for outcome
- But don’t white-knuckle grasp it
- Accept you can’t control everything
- Open hands, not clenched fists
Easier said than done – but a practice to work toward.
Finding Hope in Dark Moments
After Failed Cycles
The worst time for hope:
- Feels impossible to try again
- “Why would this time be different?”
- Exhausted from roller coaster
- Hard to believe anymore
Finding hope again:
- Give yourself grief time first – don’t rush to hope
- Debrief with doctor – what can be learned? What would change?
- Each cycle is different – different embryos, different timing, different protocols
- Many people succeed after multiple failures – first cycle success is not the norm
- Remember why you started – still want this
Hope doesn’t mean naive – means willing to try again despite knowing pain is possible.
When Statistics Are Discouraging
If your chances are low (over 40, multiple failures):
Numbers aren’t zero:
- 5% is low, but 5 out of 100 women succeed
- Could you be one of the 5?
- Someone is
Numbers represent past, not future:
- Every success story had low odds at some point
- Statistics improve as technology improves
- Your individual response matters more
Consider all options:
- Donor eggs dramatically improve odds
- Different protocols
- Alternative paths
- Hope takes many forms
During Treatment Breaks
Stepping back doesn’t mean giving up:
- Breaks allow emotional recovery
- Financial regrouping
- Relationship strengthening
- Body reset
Hope during break:
- Still working toward goal (just not actively treating)
- Preparing for next round
- Taking care of yourself is productive
- Pause is not failure
Sources of Hope
Success Stories
Benefits:
- Proof it’s possible
- Inspiration
- Practical tips from those who’ve been there
- Reduces isolation
Cautions:
- Can trigger comparison (“Why not me?”)
- Survivorship bias (don’t hear about failures as much)
- Everyone’s journey is different
- Your path won’t look like theirs
Healthy consumption:
- Limit if too triggering
- Focus on similar situations (age, diagnosis)
- Remember their success doesn’t diminish your chance
Scientific Advances
Fertility treatment is constantly improving:
- IVF success rates have doubled since 1980s
- New protocols
- Better embryology techniques
- Genetic testing
- Freezing technology improved dramatically
What was impossible 10 years ago is routine now.
Research continues:
- Egg quality improvement
- Better screening
- New medications
- Understanding of implantation
Future is hopeful.
Personal Resilience
You’ve survived 100% of your worst days:
- You’re still here
- You’ve handled everything so far
- You’re stronger than you think
- This proves your resilience
Look back at what you’ve overcome:
- Diagnosis
- Multiple cycles
- Disappointments
- Procedures
- Still standing
You will survive this too, whatever happens.
Support System
Not alone:
- Partner standing with you
- Friends and family supporting
- Others going through same thing
- Medical team helping
- Community of warriors
Shared hope is stronger.
Hope Through Different Outcomes
Hope for Pregnancy This Cycle
Most immediate hope:
- “Maybe this embryo will implant”
- “Maybe we’ll get good news”
- “This could be our time”
Necessary to get through cycle.
Hope for Eventual Success
Longer-term hope:
- “Maybe not this cycle, but eventually”
- “We’ll keep trying”
- “Our path will lead to a baby somehow”
Sustained hope across multiple cycles.
Hope for Parenthood (However It Comes)
Broadest hope:
- “We will be parents”
- May be through own eggs, donor eggs, adoption, surrogacy
- Path may change, destination remains
- Hope evolves
Most durable form of hope – not dependent on specific outcome.
Hope for Surviving
When all else fails:
- “I will get through this”
- “I will be okay, even if this doesn’t work out”
- “Life can still be good”
- “I am more than my fertility”
Hope for your own wellbeing, regardless of outcome.
When Hope Feels Gone
It’s Okay to Lose Hope Sometimes
You don’t have to be hopeful all the time:
- Grief and doubt are normal
- Protective mechanism
- Fluctuates naturally
- Comes and goes
Hopelessness is different than realism.
If hope is completely gone consistently:
- May be sign of depression
- May be time to reassess path
- May need different kind of support
- May be okay to stop and find peace elsewhere
Borrowing Hope
When you can’t find your own:
Let others hope for you:
- Partner
- Friends
- Doctor
- Support group
- “I can’t hope right now, but you can”
Their belief can sustain you until you find yours again.
Hope vs. Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity:
- “Just stay positive!”
- “Good vibes only”
- “Think positive thoughts and it’ll happen”
- Denying valid negative feelings
- Blaming failure on not being positive enough
This is harmful.
Healthy hope:
- Acknowledges reality
- Allows all feelings
- Doesn’t blame you for outcomes
- Coexists with fear and sadness
- Realistic
You can hope AND be sad. You can hope AND be scared. You can hope AND prepare for disappointment.
All at once.
Practical Hope Maintenance
Daily Practices
Morning mantra:
- “Today is a new day”
- “I’m doing everything I can”
- “I can handle what comes”
- Whatever resonates for you
Gratitude practice:
- Not toxic positivity
- Simply acknowledging good alongside hard
- “This is awful AND I have people who love me”
- “I hate this AND I’m grateful for medical technology”
Small joys:
- Allow yourself pleasure despite pain
- Good meal, sunset, pet cuddles, favorite show
- Permission to feel good sometimes
- Joy doesn’t betray your struggle
Reframing Thoughts
Catastrophizing: “This will never work. I’ll never be a mother. My life is ruined.”
Reframe: “This is really hard and uncertain. I don’t know what will happen. I’m doing everything I can.”
Black-and-white thinking: “If this cycle doesn’t work, it’s hopeless.”
Reframe: “This cycle is one attempt. Many people need multiple cycles. I have options.”
Comparison: “Everyone else gets pregnant easily. Why is this so hard for me?”
Reframe: “Many people struggle with this (1 in 6). I’m not alone. My timeline is my own.”
Setting Mini-Goals
Instead of only: “Get pregnant”
Break into steps:
- Complete this cycle
- Retrieve eggs
- Get embryos
- Make it to transfer
- Get through two-week wait
- Try again if needed
Celebrate each milestone:
- Each step is accomplishment
- Progress even without pregnancy
- Not all-or-nothing
Mantras and Affirmations
Find what resonates:
“I am more than my fertility.”
“My worth is not determined by my ability to conceive.”
“I am doing everything I can. That is enough.”
“Whatever happens, I will be okay.”
“This is hard, and I am strong.”
“Not today, but someday.”
“My path is unfolding, even if I can’t see where it leads.”
“I will survive this.”
“Hope and grief can coexist.”
“One day at a time.”
Not magic words – just reminders when you forget.
Finding Meaning
This Experience Has Changed You
Not “for a reason” or “silver lining” – those dismiss pain.
But it has shaped you:
- Strength you didn’t know you had
- Compassion for others’ struggles
- Clarity about what matters
- Resilience
- Depth
Doesn’t make it worth it or mean it had to happen.
But transformation happens through suffering, whether we want it or not.
Eventually, This Will End
One way or another, this phase will conclude:
- Pregnancy
- Adoption
- Child-free living
- Some resolution
You won’t be in treatment forever.
There is an “other side” even if you can’t see it yet.
Hope for the Future
Life After Infertility
If treatment succeeds:
- Profound appreciation
- Never take for granted
- Changed by experience
- Grateful
If treatment doesn’t succeed:
- Life can still be rich and meaningful
- Many paths to fulfillment
- Not the life you planned, but can still be good
- Identity beyond parenthood
Either way:
- You will be okay
- You will find joy again
- This pain won’t last forever
- You are building resilience
Redefining “Happily Ever After”
Fairy tale ending may look different:
- Not the path you expected
- Harder journey than imagined
- More complicated story
- But still beautiful
Happiness isn’t absence of struggle.
Meaningful life includes pain and joy.
Your story is still being written.
When to Keep Hoping, When to Let Go
Signs to Keep Going
Keep trying if:
- Still have desire
- Financial resources available
- Emotional reserves exist
- Medical options remain
- Partner aligned
- Feel called to continue
Trust your gut.
Signs It May Be Time to Stop
Consider stopping if:
- Hope completely gone
- Emotional/mental health suffering severely
- Financial devastation
- Relationship in crisis
- Medical futility
- Lost desire for parenthood
- Feel called to different path
Stopping is not giving up – it’s choosing different form of hope.
Closure and Peace
If you decide to stop:
- Grief process important
- Acknowledge all you did
- No regrets about trying
- Choose what’s next
- Find peace with decision
This takes time. Be patient with yourself.
Remember
Hope is not naive – it’s courageous.
You can hope and prepare for disappointment simultaneously.
Others’ success doesn’t diminish your chances.
Your hope may need to evolve as your path does.
Hope isn’t about knowing it will work out – it’s about believing you’ll survive regardless.
Hold hope loosely. Let it sustain you without crushing you.
You are stronger than your darkest moment.
Keep going, even when hope flickers.
Especially then.